Thinking about getting a dragon? “How to Train Your Dragon 2” makes it look easy, but here are some health concerns you may want to consider before investing in some fire extinguishers.
- Salmonella: Babies and feces kind of rhyme, but they don’t go well together. Dragon feces are almost radioactive, so properly instruct your child what is and isn’t play-dough. Wash your hands, your clothes, and anything that comes in contact with a reptile. Bathe and feed your dragon regularly to maintain a stress-free environment, thus decreasing the chances of spreading salmonella and torching everything.
- Hidden Treasures: Everyone knows dragons have low self-esteem, so it isn’t uncommon for them to bring home their prey, looking for validation. While this is cute, don’t be surprised when you find a 3-month-old sheep carcass behind the couch, which usually carries fleas, mites and ticks. These pests are hard to get rid of and transmit tapeworms and infections. Invest in a good hazmat suit for removing dead animals. (Hazmat suits are also good for cleaning-up dragon feces.)
- Botulism: Love kills. Especially if that involves a dragon. Reptiles, especially aquatic, excrete a toxin that causes botulism, or in other words…death. Unlike adults, infants’ immune systems are not equipped to fight it off. Pregnant women, old folks and the immunosuppressed should stay clear of reptiles.
- Dragon Bites: Tug-o-war and any other activity that excite dragons are off-limits. Wrestling with a dragon is nothing like wrestling your dog. Dogs can’t open soup cans with infectious or venomous teeth/fangs (depending on the breed). Be prepared to take the following measures when your friends can wave to each other through your abdomen:
- Hail emergency personnel.
- Intermit bleeding by applying pressure.
- Clean area with warm water and soap.
- Cover wound with antibacterial ointment.
- Use sterile bandage on wound.
- Press victim’s decision making by asking why he or she ever thought getting a dragon was a good idea.
- Leptospirosis, Campylobacteriosis and Trichnellosis: Don’t get sick with diseases you can’t pronounce.
- Dragon Burns: Third degree burns are bad and require medical attention, but have you ever heard of 4th degree burns? How about 5thand 6th? If ever burned, you would need to follow these steps until emergency units arrived:
- Allow really burnt clothing to remain, but remove what can be easily taken off.
- Submerge severe burns in cool water.
- Try CPR.
- Raise burned body parts.
- Implement a cool, moist, sterile bandage.
- Distribute fliers, or put an ad on Craig’s List, with information about pet’s demeanor. Use clever euphemisms like, “keeps the heating bill low,” or “helps with the cooking!”