A guide to turning your nurse into Maleficent

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Nurses are beauties, but here are a few tips for making them lose their charm and turning them into fire-breathing dragons.

Patients:

  1. Repeatedly send your nurse on trips for milk, pillows, sheets and other assorted items but only ask for one thing at a time.
  2. Push the call button the moment your nurse leaves the room.
  3. Be completely unaware of your personal medical history or any medications you are taking.
  4. Reject any diagnosis given because it contradicts with your research done on WebMD.
  5. If pregnant, ask, “Is this going to hurt my baby?”
  6. Remind the nurse that “hospital” and “hotel” both start with H-O.
  7. Come to the hospital seeking care and help, then refuse treatment.
  8. Happily text your friends and family, but insist your pain is a 10/10.
  9. Ask the nurse to change the channel while sitting on the remote.
  10. Always demand the strongest narcotics.
  11. “Code Brown”… Always. All the time.
  12. The smaller the injury, the more you should complain. That baby in L&D can deliver itself.

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Parents:

  1. Condition your children to hate nurses by saying, “If you don’t behave, the nurse will give you a shot!”
  2. Cause family drama with the nurse present.

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Family Members:

  1. Require more attention than the patient by asking for extra trays, pillows and the remote for the TV.
  2. Repeatedly suggest what could be wrong with the patient, relying on the valuable training you have received from “House” and “General Hospital.”
  3. See how many times you can get the nurse to respond, “I can’t give you that information because of HIPAA.”
  4. Play with the bed controls.

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Strangers:

  1. Upon identifying a nurse, share your medical history and demand/expect answers with a full (and free) diagnosis.
  2. “You’re too smart to be a nurse.” – say it!

 

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